Yesterday I learned that the petition for the nullity of my marriage had been granted by Judge Nancy Rivas-Palmones, Branch 172, Valenzuela Regional Trial Court. The decision was handed down two years and seven months from the day I filed it.
I was on massage break at Nuat Thai when I received my lawyer's text message. There, in the half-darkness, with the scent of peppermint oil and the sound of traditional Thai music, I had a little time to ponder the implications of the decision, and, well, to just let the news sink in.
Did I feel like jumping up and down and ordering pizza and beer? Not really.
A failed relationship is one's own failure -- not just the partner's. Indeed it was my decision to leave, and my petition to nullify the union. But these decisions were arrived at as a last resort. Who does not want the complete package: the house, the cars, the kids, the cute dog, the white picket fences?
My efforts to try, stay and stick it out were deemed superhuman by my closest friends. But I am neurotic, and far from immaculate myself, so for a long time I wondered: how much of it was my own doing? Could I have tried harder?
Of course, in those days, I was under a wholly different environment. The air was dense, the tension constant. I can understand why other women in similarly-natured relationships fail to leave. It is not that they are stupid. It may not even be because of love. It is rather because they operate from a different plane, where the rules of the game are much different. They could not conceive of leaving -- it is simply not an option.
What is superhuman is snapping out and thinking from the outside. It is seeing that this is not what a marriage is supposed to be -- no matter what he says, and no matter how convincingly, or forcefully, he says it.
And no, you are not "sablay" just because you disagree with him.
So yeah, I guess in a way I was superwoman. I will forever count myself blessed for this. The support of my awesome friends (you know who you are!) and my dad (only family I've got left, everybody else is dead) was invaluable. It still is.
My mood today is more sober than celebratory. No fireworks, really, just a clearer vision of the road ahead.
So this is how Day One feels.